In my practice I’ve learned that the number one element that can teach clients is the cycle of emotions. Once clients learn that most of us react to our thinking, or interpretations, we can learn to quickly check the facts to see if we can actually identify the problem and its solution. An example I often use is that of a text message. Say you and a friend are exchanging text messages and you ask if they want to join you for dinner. Suddenly the response stops. For 20 minutes there was uninterrupted texts which means that this interruption was odd. The first thought is that maybe they had to do something and they’ll likely reply shortly. No reply comes as the time passes. A thought arises that perhaps they don’t want to go to dinner and don’t want to tell you no. That thought leads to a feeling of frustration that brings forth the recollection that sometimes it seems that friends won’t commit unless they have checked other options first. This thought brings up shame and a little sadness. Another thought arises that this particular friend has canceled last minute twice before and with this new infraction may not be the quality of friend that you thought they were. Suddenly the frustration, shame and sadness combine and cause you to feel angry that the person has left you hanging unsure as to why they haven’t replied. You decide to assert yourself and draw the line in the sand. You think, I deserve more respect from my friends and since this friend has canceled twice and is likely looking for better option you decide to assert a limit and clean your life of flaky friends. So acting on that new found sense of self-respect you delete their number and feel powerful that you’re standing up for yourself. You go back to work feeling proud and strong. Yet as the hours pass you notice that the powerful feeling began to wear off and was replaced by a sadness because you still don’t have dinner plans. Suddenly the phone rings. You don’t recognize the number and answer. It was you friend apologizing because his phone died at the office and everyone had I-phone chargers and he had a galaxy phone. He just got home, charge his phone and was excited to go to dinner. In this circumstance you had followed the prompting event (lack of a reply) into your interpretation of what that prompting event meant. You filled in the meaning, without checking the facts, and became emotionally upset. Once upset you tried to problem solve and created an unintended consequence of increased sadness. If you had checked the facts to problem solve the prompting event that started the chain reaction, what might you have done? Since the prompting event was the lack of a reply, you might send an email. Call the number, try the office number or create an alternate interpretation that relieves you of the commitment to the idea that this was done on purpose. If you had followed up in any of those ways the whole cycle of emotional intensity and action would have not happened and you would have been spared hours of anxiety, anger and sadness.
In my practice I’ve learned that the number one element that can teach clients is the cycle of emotions. Once clients learn that most of us react to our thinking, or interpretations, we can learn to quickly check the facts to see if we can actually identify the problem and its solution. An example I often use is that of a text message. Say you and a friend are exchanging text messages and you ask if they want to join you for dinner. Suddenly the response stops. For 20 minutes there was uninterrupted texts which means that this interruption was odd. The first thought is that maybe they had to do something and they’ll likely reply shortly. No reply comes as the time passes. A thought arises that perhaps they don’t want to go to dinner and don’t want to tell you no. That thought leads to a feeling of frustration that brings forth the recollection that sometimes it seems that friends won’t commit unless they have checked other options first. This thought brings up shame and a little sadness. Another thought arises that this particular friend has canceled last minute twice before and with this new infraction may not be the quality of friend that you thought they were. Suddenly the frustration, shame and sadness combine and cause you to feel angry that the person has left you hanging unsure as to why they haven’t replied. You decide to assert yourself and draw the line in the sand. You think, I deserve more respect from my friends and since this friend has canceled twice and is likely looking for better option you decide to assert a limit and clean your life of flaky friends. So acting on that new found sense of self-respect you delete their number and feel powerful that you’re standing up for yourself. You go back to work feeling proud and strong. Yet as the hours pass you notice that the powerful feeling began to wear off and was replaced by a sadness because you still don’t have dinner plans. Suddenly the phone rings. You don’t recognize the number and answer. It was you friend apologizing because his phone died at the office and everyone had I-phone chargers and he had a galaxy phone. He just got home, charge his phone and was excited to go to dinner. In this circumstance you had followed the prompting event (lack of a reply) into your interpretation of what that prompting event meant. You filled in the meaning, without checking the facts, and became emotionally upset. Once upset you tried to problem solve and created an unintended consequence of increased sadness. If you had checked the facts to problem solve the prompting event that started the chain reaction, what might you have done? Since the prompting event was the lack of a reply, you might send an email. Call the number, try the office number or create an alternate interpretation that relieves you of the commitment to the idea that this was done on purpose. If you had followed up in any of those ways the whole cycle of emotional intensity and action would have not happened and you would have been spared hours of anxiety, anger and sadness.