Tolerating the discomfort of unwanted emotions
One of the greatest fears and challenges for many of my clients and others with emotional vulnerabilities, and perhaps a history of depression, is the fear that comes with the sudden onset of unwanted emotions. The inexplicable nature of some emotional responses may not have an identifiable source or prompting event. The downturn in their mood may cause the mind to try and make sense of the change with thoughts such as, “My depression is back” or “I’m going to have a panic attack.” How we think about the change in our mood may make it very difficult to resist a sense of urgency in trying to solve the problematic emotions. In that state of urgency to avoid a descent into suffering or pain, it is natural to turn to old ways to cope that may create greater problems such as alcohol, binge eating, drugs and other self-injurious behaviors.
Here is an example of how that might play out: A client who has been sober for several years learns about the suicide of his friend’s son. He went to a 12 step meeting for support where he discovers that two men with stable recovery programs announced themselves as newcomers. Each having relapsed after years of sustained recovery using Marijuana. After the meeting the client talked to the two men to and discovered both had turned to marijuana on an impulse to address stressors in their lives. One of the men recounted how he felt overwhelmed by the diagnosis of Alzheimer disease in his father, his step-mother’s divorce request and a feeling of being overwhelmed. The other man who relapsed did so in a moment of insanity with no prompting event. The client was gracious and supportive but left feeling vulnerable. He thought about how the 12 step program had worked for him but he felt increasingly doubtful of his ability to find stable support. He called his sponsor and was sent to voice mail. He tried to distract himself with getting breakfast at a café to celebrate his upcoming birthday with pancakes. The line was slow and after 11 minutes he left without ordering for home. After a quick breakfast he found himself on the couch watching TV. Show after show passed as he drifted in and out of sleep. He knew he was feeling a bit of depression and felt he had nowhere to turn. This was, he thought, how the guys must have felt before they picked up and smoked weed. He paused to consider the downward spiral of his emotion and the fear that the recovery community was insufficient to provide the depth of support he felt he needed to address his nervousness at hearing a series of difficult life-challenges that left him feeling vulnerable. He reached for his phone and scanned the news and his Facebook feed with disinterest. Then he noticed the You Tube App and loaded some old time Gospel of Mahalia Jackson and Louis Armstrong. The spiritual quirkiness of Mahalia’s singing reminded him that music was always a sure bet to access and help transform his emotions. He laughed remembering how last week he was in such a good mood that he had belted out a tune, at the top of his lungs, in the apartment with a complete lack of self-consciousness. Suddenly as he listened to more spirituals and song his mood lifted. He realized that after the work week, multiple workouts and meetings, he was drained. The nap and song helped to restore him. A friend’s text came in and invited him to the movie and as the afternoon passed his equilibrium was restored. He thought about how he didn’t run from his emotional slide but in accepted the fear and sadness as normal human responses to the news he had heard. He thought of a visual representation of the experience. He was standing on a rocky outcropping in a rough sea, his feet were planted on solid ground though all around him were waves of chaos and death. Suddenly he realized that his compassion for his friends had saddened him and he was grateful for the capacity to feel empathy for those he cared about. In the end he cleaned his room, showered and went to dinner and a movie with a friend.
The point of this story is to consider how we have been socialized to avoid or fear the onset of unwanted emotions such as, sadness, grief, shame and fear. So often we are encouraged to have a drink, perhaps smoke a joint at the beach and to feel better. This will simply mask the feeling and avoid processing them. If a friend or family member encourages us in this direction it may be that they are uncomfortable themselves. If you stopped feeling poorly they won’t feel uncomfortable so the quicker you feel better the quicker they can too. Instead, if we sit with those painful feelings and let them process, within that sadness we might discover tenderness and empathy. It is likely a necessary step in the process of change. By allowing for quiet time to feel the pain of grief, the heaviness of sadness and the fear of not being able to emerge unscathed from a descent into these emotions we may find ourselves getting up with the recognition that the wave of emotion has passed. The key is to use mindfulness to track and label the thoughts, emotions and impulses and experience those elements without attachment. If you are able to watch your thoughts, impulses and emotions, you may notice that your emotions will regulate. If you can wait long enough for the moment to pass, without following a destructive or numbing impulse, you may discover an increase in confidence and self-respect. You will have tolerated the discomfort and watched it change and prepared yourself with experience to do the same thing if it should happen again.